I’m not one to show affection at all. To me that notion makes me kind of ill to my stomach, even the look at the mere mortals, looking in each the eyes, oohing and aahing at on other, while holding hands or body parts, makes me wish there was a vomit bag where ever you go. However, lately showing some kind of affection towards anyone, even that one person, who’ve I’ve been hanging out with from time to time. Don’t make me reach down and gag with disgust. Maybe it the growth in my, that makes it easy to show how much, I care for said person, or maybe it’s something in me that I’ve always had. I’ve just never had the chance to show or display it until now.
I’m in a lonely rut, I feel like no matter what I do, no matter what I’ll have or accomplish. I’ll will not be content with my life at all. Maybe, I’m just getting the mighty mighty blues because of this cold weather, that we’ve been getting lately or maybe I’m being super dramatic like always. However, in the light of the cloudy day, I feel like there’s nothing more that I can do to make myself happy or even fulfilled with what I have. I wonder how can people fake being happy for so long, but I can’t fake it because I was never really happy to begin with.
Late I’ve been in a pursuit of something, what that is, I don’t really know anymore. I’ve been making the climb to something, that lately been making me confused of what I really want. I mean, I’m a grow ass man, who should know at my age what the fuck I want. However, I don’t know that ,when I get on top of that long and bumpy hill that I’ll even be satisfied with what I got. I mean, I’ve never really been really fulfilled with what I have or got. I usually get really bored, tried to move on or just stay in that mundane place, and just make the best out of it, until my body bleeds of boredom. I’ll probably be fine once I get there, but right now I’m not and it’s not all right. It’s just tedious and I’m not a big fan of stale living, but I guess that how I’m rolling these days.
I’m not a big fan of eye contact, it’s just to up close and personal for my taste. When I was younger, I couldn’t for the life of me look into anybody’s eyes, when saying hello or trying to have a conversation. Don’t even get me started on talking to a guy, that I would had a crush on! It’s already enough that I’m babbling nonsense and giggle like a little bitch, while trying not to make eye contact (My mom thought I might have Asperger’s syndrome for a while, I don’t btw). However, nowadays it isn’t so hard, because I just got over the horror I guess, or maybe I was just too shy for eye-to-eye intimacy. Nevertheless, I still have this fear that someone, who looks into my eyes will somehow see my soul and I’m not willing to give that up just yet. For now, my soul belongs to me and I only…well what’s left of it that it!