My mom was always the mother and father figure when I was growing up. Sure, the man who calls himself my father was there also from time to time. Well, when he wasn’t on one of, he’s drunken sprees, with one of many thots; he liked to pick up on the way to the bars. However, I never saw him much and if I did, it was never a pretty picture for my mother, sister or me (Nor my face or limps). So, what does a woman do when she has a piece of shit for a husband, who takes all of her money and leaves her with two assholes for kids? Well, just like any strong woman would do, you pick yourself up and go on with your life, like it or not. Sure, we had some very hard times along the way. However, I don’t regret not having a father figure there because that what my mom was. Even if I hated it from time to time, I appreciate it now more than ever because without her or anything single mother out there to teacher you, that whatever roles they may play in your life. You should always respect them for basically giving up the role, that society brainwashes them to act upon, and take things into their own hands. There’s never a book or a blue print for when life gives you a shitty excuse for a husband, so it just best to make you own and see where it goes. Chances are those are the best kind of lesson you can give yourself and your kids.
The two-week dreamy dazed, that had me lying on a cloud, while imaging bullshit, that possible would never happen. Just slapped me cold on my face and told me to wake the fuck up and come back down from them clouds I called home for a nice minute. While, that possible of happiness might be nearby, I just thought I had it closer to me then my thoughts led me to believe. I had my drunken like goggles on and they fucked up my clear vision, that I became someone I never thought I could be. I don’t regret anything I said here or to my friends, I just regret, that my heart got to me so hard, that it messed up my brain and mind from telling me the truth. I can sit here and lie to you and myself saying, “Oh well”, but I’m just too proud to say, “This wasn’t the one”!
Inside my head, I have a world where I usually live in when I’m not living in the hell that is reality. I usually, get carried away in there and most of the time, I just get stuck there for hours, without realizing it. Maybe, I do realize this motion because, if I were slapped back into the real world, I would do anything to go back to that world in my head. Sure, not everything on top of there is all wonder-like and fun! Sometimes, it takes me into dark places or places were I’m not sure what to think anymore. Which sometimes fuck with my real universe and when the two worlds collide, it’s not a fun place to be in. Anytime, that happens, I try to find another shelter or world to move into, but there’s no place to hide really. So, I just have to face the two worlds head on, like an iceberg feeling of cold water, hitting me back into the world, I’ve come to enjoy and hate, and at the same time sending the land in my head back where it came from; to its rightful place!
When I was younger, (maybe a little too young at the time), but when I was younger and barely legal. I use to go out a lot to clubs, seen I looked older then my age, it was easy to get in, with the right fake ID and the right outfit. As time went by, I became a homebody and all I really wanted to do was just Netflix and chill. However, recently I have done nothing but go out to gay clubs, especial with one particular person, but while the club may be full of gays, lesbians and in-betweeners. I feel nothing but just the two of us in the corner, sometimes dancing other times just whispering in each others ear, and just having a good time, enjoying each others company. Like, it’s just the two of us and the music, as the backdrop to something. I really don’t know what to call it, but that really doesn’t matter at this point, because just for now. It’s just me and him, and there’s nobody else I would rather be with!
I really don’t know how to describe this feeling but whatever it is, I don’t want it to go away. I feel like a whole new person , so much so that I can’t recognized myself in the process of this happiness, that I have inside of my dark being. I don’t know how to go about this feeling, but I really don’t care. I just want to leave it the way it is and see where it takes me. I’m afraid if I’m too happy or content with these unexpected feelings, that it will go away and I’ll go back to my old self. Which I don’t wanna go back to! I mean, I’m still myself but will a better attitude about things, which is frighten to admit to myself and to people, who know me a certain way. However, at this point I don’t give a fuck, because I’ve been waiting so long for this and I’ll be damn if I just lose it now!
I’m not going to lie for a person who will be in there almost mid-30’s in a couple of months. I really don’t age or look my age! Probably because when I was a kid, I really didn’t have a set childhood, like the rest of the kids I knew. I had to grow up fast and as I got a little older the tiny childhood I had, was all but a sad distant memory. Sure, I didn’t have the basic up-bring that most of you have had and looking back at it now. I’m somewhat glad I didn’t because I wouldn’t have known what I know now. Therefore, while I might not act like my age, it doesn’t mean I haven’t developed into an ok adult!