My mom was always the mother and father figure when I was growing up. Sure, the man who calls himself my father was there also from time to time. Well, when he wasn’t on one of, he’s drunken sprees, with one of many thots; he liked to pick up on the way to the bars. However, I never saw him much and if I did, it was never a pretty picture for my mother, sister or me (Nor my face or limps). So, what does a woman do when she has a piece of shit for a husband, who takes all of her money and leaves her with two assholes for kids? Well, just like any strong woman would do, you pick yourself up and go on with your life, like it or not. Sure, we had some very hard times along the way. However, I don’t regret not having a father figure there because that what my mom was. Even if I hated it from time to time, I appreciate it now more than ever because without her or anything single mother out there to teacher you, that whatever roles they may play in your life. You should always respect them for basically giving up the role, that society brainwashes them to act upon, and take things into their own hands. There’s never a book or a blue print for when life gives you a shitty excuse for a husband, so it just best to make you own and see where it goes. Chances are those are the best kind of lesson you can give yourself and your kids.
While, some believe that people don’t really die alone, I have to call bullshit on that. Sure, you have your family and friends, who are there to mourn the lost of there loved one. Surrounding themselves around your canister, as they slowly dive you into the six feet under, where you will be forever, while you become the delicacy of many different insects and whatnot. However, that doesn’t mean that your loved ones will be coming with you! Well, maybe when it’s time for them to expire themselves, then yeah sure, but that might be long as fuck. I’m not trying to be morbid or dramatic about it, but all I’m saying is not matter how many people you have in your life. At the end of the day, you came into this world alone and you’ll leave it alone. So, cherish these people, memories and whatever it maybe, because those are the only things, that you will be taking with you. Which at the end of the day isn’t a bad thing, because it’s the memories and the love, that won’t make you feel so lonely where it is you end up!
Not to sound all sentimental or whatnot (Too late I guess!). However, recently I can’t stop listening to music, without thinking about a certain someone. It’s hard to hear a Drake song or a Mariah Carey slow jam, without him popping in my head. I try so hard to forget this person, who was not a good person to begin with, but how can I if most of the songs I play remind me of him. Even walking down the street, I hear a car blasting a song that immediately makes my head fill up with thoughts of him and what could have been. Fuck, I would love to wash my ear; mind and brain of him, but it seem harder than I thought. I can’t bare to not listen to music, but the feeling of longing and pain that triggers me; just by one musical note isn’t healthy. Neither is blocking my world from music that I love. I guess I’ll just have to deal with it until he slowly goes away.
To say these were the worst couple of days would be an understatement. These days has kicked my ass, broke my heart and made me wonder what’s the truth and what’s not anymore. I don’t want to get into detail because those details are still on my emotional table, waiting for all the piece of the puzzle to be put together. However, as I gather the evidence that had been slap in my face, making me wake up to face reality. It’s scary to know that when I start to glue all these pieces together, I’m not going to like what I see or hear. I would like to sit here and say I didn’t know this was coming, however I knew it was heading from a mile away. In addition, while I knew all the facts, I still continued to go with the flow and maybe, perhaps think that things would get better and just resolve itself. Stupid me for thinking that that would ever happened, stupid me for thinking that things would actually change and everything would land in my corner, with a nice bow wrapped around it. My reality was muted for a while and in its place was an imaginary world, where things would be amazing and perfect, but nothing is like that and it never will be. Therefore, it’s back to the harsh reality of things and all I can do now is just face whatever comes my way and hope for the best. However, I know that whatever the outcomes is, I’ll be the one with the bleeding scares and there’s not a big enough band aid to close it up!
Sometimes it’s no fun being the only one in on the joke. When your world is surrounded by images and ideas, which nobody else understands. It seems like you’re the only one at the party, while everyone else is GPS-ing there way there. When your mind is somewhere far in left field. You turn out to be the weirdo and the target of all those fingers, pointing directly at you. It would be nice to have someone, who would understand me for me and not me for my so-called eccentric-ness. Maybe there’s a land out there, where other people wave there freak flag mighty and proud. You know, different individuals who don’t follow the herd, like the rest of the cool-aid drinkers. However, while other’s like me do exist out there (Hopefully). There’s only one of me and there some people who can’t handle all of this and that’s okay with me. I like it that way! Nevertheless, it’s hard to wave my freakdom flag, when all you get it dirty looks and WTF’s! Maybe someday I’ll find someone who understands all of me, but until that day comes. I’ll just be the only one at the party enjoy it, without the sheep bahing at my weird behavior!