The last time, I remember having my family all together was a couple a months ago, and while I know we’ll all be together again soon. I feel there’s always something in the way of that happening. Even though, I know they are close by, it’s still not the same. I miss those loud afternoon of nothing were you know, that you had your whole family in one roof, which just felt right and safe. However, with all the shit that we’ve been through these past couple of month, I really don’t know when we will all be back together again. They are the missing pieces to my puzzle and without them; I’m just a bunch of pieces laid out on the table. Therefore, while I know this is just a small setback, this feeling of completion cannot come soon enough. However, until then, I will just have the memories of what was once happier time, and pray for happier times to come.
You’ve probably heard all of these carbon copy stories where someone says, that they always felt different in high school or in their family. The black sheep of the herd, who was always misunderstood and blah blah blah, so on and so forth and how boring. Sure, this post might sound the same to you, but to me it somewhat different, because unlike those boring tales. I always knew inside of my hollow shell, that I always more or less, like my family. Despite what my cracked parental unit might say, I had an itch that it was true and sad. Therefore, in order for me to stray away from my dysfunctional herd, I would try my hardest to be the misfit of the family. Sure, it’s true, I never fit in to the in-crowd and I never wanted to, because that shit was just boring and not for me. However, when it came to the clan that was my family, I was the black sheep and so were they. Nothing sucks more than to know, that even if you don’t want to belong with the ones that brought you into this world. You wake up one morning and realized that while you may not belong everywhere else. There’s always that one place where they you sort of do, if that makes any sense.
In my last post which seemed like years ago (Actually it was just a couple of weeks ago. Miss me yet? Didn’t think so!). I kind of bit the wiener to hard and set myself for the inevitable, which was just around the corner waiting for me like a mugger, who likes to take away the calm you’ve accumulated for yourself. Well guess what? I hit me all right, that fucker hit me hard and now I’m stuck in the same situation, I was last year! I don’t want to get into details, but it feels like a horrible Deja vu, which I want nothing more than to just wake up from it. Here, I thought I was doing so well with this thing called life; sure, I got bored and wanted something exciting to happen. However, I never asked for this too happened to me and to happen to the people around me as well. I wish I could have just shut my mouth and never said anything in the first place, but that not how life works. I know shit like this happens all the time, but not twice in a almost a row and not at the end of the year. I guess when horrible things happen to you, you don’t really have a time period or a schedule of when it will happen. If you did, then things would be just too easy and who would want that? Me!
I’m in a lonely rut, I feel like no matter what I do, no matter what I’ll have or accomplish. I’ll will not be content with my life at all. Maybe, I’m just getting the mighty mighty blues because of this cold weather, that we’ve been getting lately or maybe I’m being super dramatic like always. However, in the light of the cloudy day, I feel like there’s nothing more that I can do to make myself happy or even fulfilled with what I have. I wonder how can people fake being happy for so long, but I can’t fake it because I was never really happy to begin with.
I need to start a new with my whole bullshit of a situation, which in the light of day makes total sense to me now. I’ve basically wasted my time with someone, who doesn’t really and never really deserved me. I’ve wasted my time, energy, minutes and cell data on an asshole, who never really wanted anything to do with me in the first place. Now, this “relationship” was not about love because it was never about that…yet, however when you speak to someone about what you both want in life. You would think that it would lead to that, instead of it leading to an empty road and you’re I’m in the middle of it lost and confused, and basically waiting for a car to hit me. So, when it does collide into me fast and hard, it’ll stop making me feel this way ever again! It might take a couple of emotionally showers, before this can all be washed away, but I’ll get there and when I do there will be no track of this person ever again!
I’m not a big fan of eye contact, it’s just to up close and personal for my taste. When I was younger, I couldn’t for the life of me look into anybody’s eyes, when saying hello or trying to have a conversation. Don’t even get me started on talking to a guy, that I would had a crush on! It’s already enough that I’m babbling nonsense and giggle like a little bitch, while trying not to make eye contact (My mom thought I might have Asperger’s syndrome for a while, I don’t btw). However, nowadays it isn’t so hard, because I just got over the horror I guess, or maybe I was just too shy for eye-to-eye intimacy. Nevertheless, I still have this fear that someone, who looks into my eyes will somehow see my soul and I’m not willing to give that up just yet. For now, my soul belongs to me and I only…well what’s left of it that it!